Regnum Santorum

Dec 14 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

A long time ago in a land called Wannabe there was a place called Regnum Santorum, named after a substance nobody much wants to talk about, especially at the dinner table. It was a funny sort of land, where up was down and down was up, where King Rick believed he had the power to make the truth anything he wanted it to be in complete violation of every natural law in the universe. King Rick did not understand that he was not Stone Cold Steve Austin and that make believe only works in the wrestling ring.

In the Regnum Santorum there was a small group of outcast rebels who hated Jeebus and who disagreed with every single thing King Rick said. They were a nasty, truculent sort who insisted that the same rules and same laws apply to everyone equally. King Rick detested them. He said, “Oh yeah? You only disagree with me because you hate God! You hate Western Civilization!” The liberals answered, “No, we disagree with you because you’re an idiot.” King Rick stomped his feet and said, “At least I have a constituency of one!”

“My Lord and Savior Jeebus Christ voted for me,” he told them with the superior air of a complete nitwit.

“Well WE didn’t!” They shouted back.

“Shut up!” He told those rebels who hated Jeebus so much, feeling very Jeebus-like himself.

“Besides,” they mocked in a most sinful way. “God voted for Bachmann too.”

“Stop hating Jeebus!” King Rick answered.

“And Perry!” the liberals chanted to King Rick’s dismay, daring to speak the truth in the land of Wannabe.

“Stop hating our great country!” King Rick shouted.

“We hate you!” the gay-loving rebels chanted. King Rick quailed, thinking they might want to put their penises in his bottom. And so he played his Trump™ Card and said with a great and almost mincing glee:

“The Supreme Court says the corporations can make me president, so there!” And he stomped his little feet and did the One Percent Dance of Perpetual Glee all the way home.

King Rick said the last ruler, an usurper called King Barack, could not take personal credit for destroying the land’s worst and most persistent enemy, Osama bin Laden. King Rick said all he did was say “yes” while other people did the work. But King Rick says he is going to do all sorts of things as ruler that he is going to get personal credit for, including dealing with the liberals’ most favoritist country in the whole world, Iran.

But King Rick also thinks Africa is a country so the liberals are pretty sure he can’t find it to attack anyway. Still, King Rick says he is going to fight a “moral” fight against his godless liberal enemies, and that he would say “yes” to Paul Ryan’s budget because he likes it even though he hasn’t read it and that we should have done more of what he didn’t read about long before he didn’t read it. Take that, liberals!

King Rick says the nasty disagreeable liberals have to quit insulting the Christian Crusades against Islam in the Middle Ages. He says they weren’t against Islam! Far from it! He says the Crusades were a grand escapade by a group of fun-loving college-age knights on a tour of the exotic Middle East, simple pilgrims exercising their right of  religious freedom. “The idea of crusader aggression is laughable,” he says. “Ignore all those firsthand accounts from the crusaders themselves! They didn’t know what they were talking about. And oh, by the way, single out all those Muslims at the airport for full body cavity searches, TSA!”

King Rick was really upset too at those pesky gay people, little walking rainbows of perversity “because they threaten society and marriage and besides, there is no such thing as privacy in the U.S. Constitution so stop those homosexual activities anyway!” And he threatened to stomp his feet again If you make homosexuality equal to heterosexuality, lectured King Rick, they will teach it in schools! Gay marriage, which isn’t legal in most places even though most people think it should be, destroyed our economy, he said, not a bunch of greedy, unregulated bastards on Wall Street. If we get God back in our schools and people stop masturbating and licking each other’s penises and vaginas and bottoms, everything will be rosy again!

So having identified the problem, the morally robust but intellectually insolvent King Rick proposed a solution: pay-per hetero-marriage! Why? Because gay marriage hurts the economy and hetero-marriage helps it, don’t you know anything?! He said: “don’t pay any attention to those economic principals they teach you in those horrible places they call universities. Economists don’t know what they’re talking about any more than did those Crusaders!” So since we’re broke and nobody has jobs, let’s incentivize marriage, but only for hetero-couples and tell them to have lots of babies. No more poverty! “Hooray!” Shouted all the Santorumites, spreading the gospel of Santorum throughout the land.

And King Rick wept, because he did not understand why gay people hated him so much that they were willing to wage a jihad against him. Why couldn’t they be like those nice, vacationing crusaders?

No more poverty, reiterated King Rick, “Except for black people.” King Rick cautioned that black people in the womb are like slaves because like slaves they aren’t people and have no rights. “But what about the mommies?” those nasty Jeebus-hating liberals asked. “What about the mommies? You say they have no rights.”

King Rick quailed at the possible intersection of reality with the land of Wannabe. “But we have to guarantee rights from the womb,” said King Rick. “Besides, black families were better off as slaves!” and he ranted about “economic slavery”

“What about the 1% and the 99%?” asked the Jeebus-hating liberals. “What about that economic slavery?”

“Shut up, you racist Jew-haters!” shouted King Rick.

And he would say no more to those truculent, demon-spawn liberals, trying to make up, up and down, down. What were they thinking? And King Rock stomped his little feet.

Those nasty liberals so wanted to destroy King Rick. They asked King Rick about healthcare, seeking to trap him. They reminded him that studies show that thousands of people die every year because they don’t have proper healthcare. King Rick said, “I reject that number! I reject that lack of healthcare kills those people who die. They die because people in the Regnum Santorum die. If they’d go to the emergency room like any decent prole and quit badgering me about the fancy healthcare coverage I get as King and paid for by them, they’d be fine. They die because they made bad decisions!”

“Like living in the Regnum Santorum,” some liberals snickered. And King Rick was greatly vexed, though he did not know what vexed means, and the Santorumites wrung their hands in consternation.

King Rick said that King Barack had failed to fix the economy all those nasty gay people destroyed, that out of 153 million workers King Barack had only put 240 million back to work, not the 280 million he claimed. What an utter failure! King Rick said. For in the land of Wannabe, reality has a nebulous, shifting quality and math doesn’t work, having no more value than history or logic or the laws of physics.

Because in the Regnum Santorum, reality is exactly what King Rick says it is. And he says if you got married to a person of the opposite sex (not because you loved them but to make babies) instead of putting your penis in other peoples’ bottoms; if you stopped having sex with your sister and masturbating and loved Jeebus, we would all live happily ever after.

The End

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