Gingrich and Cain Will Not Form an Unholy Alliance of Man Whores

Dec 07 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

What a happy couple they would have made. Just look at those smug, smiling faces. What Leonardo could have done with them!

But it turns out  that contrary to media reports, Herman Cain does not intend to endorse fellow serial adulterer Newt Gingrich for president. We all know about JFK’s philandering ways and we all know about Clinton’s mislaid penis but the thought of Gingrich and Cain together – potentially as a ticket – was breathtaking, even for a brief moment in time.

Imagine those two, characters in an old “On the Road” movie, sexing their way across the world, from country to country, capital to capital, dropping trou for God and Country. They could have changed the face of international diplomacy.

Awe inspiring? Hardly? Vomit inducing? Now you got it.

It seems now in retrospect to have been more wishful thinking than reality. Some folks thought they saw the writing on the wall. Gingrich had already pulled a reverse Marc Antony and announced that he had not come to bury Cain, but to praise him. Mike Allen in Politico‘s Playbook correctly predicted Cain’s course. FOX-5 in Atlanta “confirmed” it on Monday. But it did not happen and it will not, according to a Gingrich spokesperson and Cain’s former campaign chief, Mark Block. Of course, Gingrich may not need Cain’s endorsement; according to recent polls he is becoming more popular in Iowa. But then, it was well known he stood the most to gain from Cain’s exit.

Just think of the possibilities though: To have a man who thinks he does a lot more thinking than he does…or is it that he talks more about thinking than actually thinking…? And another man who apparently does very little thinking at all, so little in fact that he doesn’t know what he thinks about various subjects, including Libya, though unlike Rick Perry he can actually remember the subjects.

What would Lincoln have said? If the bullet and age hadn’t killed him, the state of the GOP would have. The Grand Old Party just isn’t looking very grand anymore. Not only has becoming God’s Own Party not helped their image but the tea bagging really brought things to a new low, and Santorum seems to be all over the place. It’s a revolting image and you can’t really put a good face on it. Ah, sorry I even went there.

Let’s try again: You’ve got a party that doesn’t actually stand FOR anything, only against things, and the faces of that party have turned the Republican presidential race into an extended Python or Saturday Night Live skit. These men and women are caricatures of caricatures of people pretending to be serious candidates for high office. Collectively, beginning with George W. Bush, moving on to Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann and all the others who have stepped up to the plate since, they have redefined the landscape of political satire for the 21st century. What the Marx Brothers could have made of this!

Duck Soup, move over. I mean, who really says their patriotism made them cheat on their wives? Seriously, who does that? And Cain can’t remember, then can remember, then can’t remember who he harassed and when, and then decides that the Democrats made him do it as though his penis is a free agent selling out to the highest bidder.

What has happened to American politics, and can they ever return to normal, or even to a pretense of normal? What’s ironic is that we have a pretty normal guy in there right now, a guy who only sleeps with his own wife, who is pretty moderate, so moderate that some Democrats think he’s more a moderate Republican than a moderate Democrat, and the Republicans scream radical! and act like he is the second coming of Timur the Lame, laying waste to America and leaving piles of skulls in his wake.

It’s hard to take that kind of rhetoric seriously coming from a pair of 1% wannabes and serial adulterers who think in terms of being a “genuine” black man, or who reject “anti-colonialism” as though anti-colonialism is a bad thing in a country where anti-colonialism gave it the U.S. Constitution. I mean, why is it okay for the Founding Fathers, descendents of Englishmen to be anti-colonialist but not a descendent of Kenyans? Why, if you harass women is it the woman’s fault? This is the kind of thinking that leads to patriotic serial infidelity (and probably syphilis as well). It also seems to be the kind of thinking that floats the Republican boat.

Which brings us back to two guys who make Laurel and Hardy look mundane by comparison and all of those might-have-beens. What Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain have to offer America is two over-active penises and two under active minds. It’s a shame and it’s a waste but that’s what we’ve got to work with here, and short of directing the two of them into the service industry where their talents are most applicable, or perhaps reality television, I have no ideas. The one thing they are absolutely not suited for is high office.

I could close with a line about the government servicing us (at least our wives and daughters) or few penis jokes but I’m “contractually obligated”, so readers inform me, to save those till Friday and really, aren’t these two men already walking penis jokes? What more can you say about two of the biggest dicks in the GOP? About all we can do now is lament what might have been and the many SNL skits we will never see.

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