The Bachmann Diaries: That’s No Apology, Jimmy Fallon!

Nov 28 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

Dear Diary,

Marcus found a new breakfast drink for me called an April Shower. I love it, because spring is my favorite season. This one has orange juice in it, too, so it’s healthy. Also brandy and something called Chartreuse, which is also Marcus’s favorite color. I have it with my Xanax and Carnation Instant Breakfast. Yummy!

Jesus, give me strength and call down the vengeful fires upon Jimmy Falcon and his blasphemous house band. Fishbone is NOT a Christian rock band, and that song his band played was NOT a Christian song. It’s called “You Lying Ass BITCH”. Me. I’ve never lied in my life, and God knows that, which is why I will be Queen Michele, Ruler of Godlandia. Gosh, if Michelle Obama had gone on, do you think they would have played “Send Them All Back to Africa” by Johnny Rebel? NOT EVEN. Obviously, it’s a good idea, but that’s not the point.

I had no idea the song was awful and mean and evil until someone told me. When would someone like ME listen to anything that wasn’t good old fashioned country music or Christian hymns? (Love Johnny Rebel though! Soooo funny!) I told Fox News that I deserved an apology and a gift basket from Victoria’s Secret. I never got the gift basket, and I never got the right apology. Some vice president of something at NBC apologized. NO. I want the president of NBC at my house, polishing the silver and cleaning the blood out of the dining room curtains.

Oh. The blood. Well, it seems that the Friday after Thanksgiving, I may have carved up a few pigeons in the dining room. There are gray feathers stuck to the ceiling and splattered blood on the lace curtains. Oh JESUS FINE window treatments. It’s annoying being married to a ga…man with so much knowledge of interior decorating. He wandered by and whispered “We never call them curtains, Shelly, they are window treatments”. WHO CARES. Ooo, good, another April Shower.

I want Jimmy Falconi FIRED, his band FIRED and deported and NBC to give me my own prime time Christmas special called “Michele Bachmann’s Xena Christmas Spectacular.” I’ll get to wear my leather bikini Newsweek wouldn’t LET me wear and I’ll have real American heroes on like Pammy Geller and Ann Coulter and Glenn Beck. I wanted David Duke, but I think he just got arrested in Germany. I’ll have good musicians like Toby Keith and Ted Nugent and Mike Huckabee. And it will be all about how Jesus was born on December 25th, and Obummer is a Muslim, and America needs to remember that God loves ME and they better vote for ME. Or else.

Okay, I have to get bail money together for Dr. Duke. I wonder what the exchange rate is between America and East Germany.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Love-Queen Michele, ruler of Godlandia!

Note: This is satire.

Image: Mediaite

7 responses so far