Frittering Away The War On Christmas

Nov 27 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

Now that the distraction of Thanksgiving is over, it would be nice if we could focus on the only important holiday of the season, but you know that the liberal media will never allow it. It has started its annual War on National Fritters Day (on Friday, December 2), and I, for one, am not going to go down without a fritter fight.

I was in numerous grocery stores the past couple of days to start my Fritters Day shopping, picking up savory and sweet fillings for deep-fried pockets of dough-y goodness, but not one cashier had enough nerve to wish me a “Happy Fritters Day.” The best I got was the occasional “Happy Holiday” or “Enjoy your fritters.”

What has this world come to? Is it too much to expect a little recognition of the greasiest day of the year?

The weak-kneed excuse that I typically hear is “We’re a country grounded in the principles of the right to make any types of food choices we like, so we shouldn’t force people who don’t like fried foods to hear about Fritters Day every time they go into a store.”

Frankly, that’s ridiculous–clearly a health food/socialist plot to turn this great fritter-eating nation into some health-food nirvana where soycolate (soy chocolate) rules the dessert kingdom.

Look, we all know that Friday is Fritters Day, so even those who don’t eat fried foods shouldn’t be offended. We’re not forcing them to eat fitters (although fritters are the only true path to the salvation of the taste buds). The non-fritterers among us should just deal with it–or shop in health food stores until December 3.

I know. I know. Some of you prefer to celebrate National Low-Fat Muffin Day. That’s your prerogative, but since there aren’t as many of you, we don’t care. You don’t get to hear your holiday mentioned by one and all.

We’re a nation that was built on fritters. George Washington practically invented the cherry fritter. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson often debated whether corn or apple fritters were better. Herbert Hoover once boldly declared that he hoped we would have “a fritter in every pot.” Even during the energy crisis in the 1970s, Jimmy Carter never asked us to unplug our deep fryers.

We might have debated the specifics, but there has never been any doubt: We’re a fritter nation.

Happy Fritters Day, everyone.

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