Sperm Police: Personhood Push Brings Call for Equal Responsibility

Nov 18 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

Sperm Police: Personhood Push Brings Call for Equal Responsibility

Once again I find myself forced by the “Personhood Push” to remind the boys that it takes two to tango. Yes, the Sperm Police are in the house.

The sperm police are exactly what they sound like – a special force of police trained to search and seize random emissions of sperm based on the notion that said sperm is half a preborn person and thus entitled to rights.

Random police sweeps would occur during which they look for reckless, illegal emissions of sperm. If found, off to jail you go for abandonment of a “preborn” person.

I have suggested such legislation before, and although I was half kidding, I think it might be the only way to make the point definitively, because these are not the types who can empathize with another human being. We have to put them in the same position.

They want the responsibility, right? So what makes their sperm any less of a “preborn” person than an egg? If birth control is going to be illegal, then a precedent has been set that any kind of sperm emission that does not result in possible impregnation will be considered murder. Just as the Personhood folks want the family and friends of women to turn them in for possible illegal miscarriages, so shall family and friends turn in the males whom they suspect of reckless, murderous emissions of sperm; aka, abandonment of the preborn, which leads to death of the preborn as the sperm can’t get to its intended destination if it’s emitted anywhere other than a vaginal canal.

Naturally this will make all kinds of other sex acts illegal, but I’m sure the boys will be fine with that. No more this, that and the other – even with their lawfully wedded wife. And we won’t even touch the issue of gay sex, pre-marital sex, adultery, etc. You know what God thinks of you, and God runs this country as the founders intended so off you go.

Also, I think we need to add financial responsibility to this measure, as we all know that with family values come responsibility for the after-born. So, any man who is emitting sperm will have to contribute money to the Personhood Fund, in case he fathers a preborn person and decides to skip out later. We can’t have random after-born children being put on big government teat because some man didn’t want to pay his part for their Personhood.

And no, the men won’t have any rights – even if some woman scoops up their sperm emission and steals it to impregnate themselves, the man will still be responsible. After all, a preborn person has more rights than anyone else. Don’t like it? Talk to God.

So, say a woman (you know what devils we can be when we’re not lying about sexual harassment or making up a rape for giggles) whom a man is seeing casually manages to get him drunk and climbs aboard for some fun and gets herself pregnant. His assets will be seized until he meets the financial responsibilities of the preborn person and he will be forced to parent the preborn for a to be determined set number of hours per week. So much for college and the big plans (or the marriage), but hey, it’s a preborn person. You get the drift.

The Personhood Peeps have this to say for themselves (apparently started by a man who is blinded by his love for the preborn so as unable to see his hatred for the after-born such as, um, I dunno, women?):

What is Personhood?

Personhood is a movement working to respect the God-given right to life by recognizing all human beings as persons who are “created in the image of God” from the beginning of their biological development, without exceptions.

If these personhood peeps really care so much about the preborn, they need to put their emissions where their mouths are. Pony up the male side of the equation –- show some personal moral and financial responsibility. We can call it Men Are Parents Too (but not persons), using the same kind of Orwellian logic and verbiage as they use to legislate control over us pesky women.

Lastly, if I were in charge of the world (and who says I can’t be — look at the Republican field, but then, I forget, I am a woman and we all know women can’t be trusted to make decisions over their own health let alone the world), I would make it mandatory for anyone trying to legislate against abortion to go have a simulated version of one or the male version thereof, thus killing off the notion that women merrily skip off to have an abortion like a day at the spa. Boom goes the “pro-abortion” meme.

You don’t have empathy? No biggie. We can make it your problem, too.

Image: Babble.com/strollerby

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