Stephen Colbert Destroys The GOP’s Anti-Contraception Narrative

Aug 05 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

Stephen Colbert once against demonstrates reality’s liberal bias by poking holes in the GOP’s opposition to birth control. You’d have thought he sky had fallen from the reaction of conservatives to making contraception part of preventative care, including the end of the human race. But don’t panic! Colbert jumps into their corner with a spirited defense that exposes the absurdity of their position.

He has a field day, opening with a stab at the Republican War on Science:

“I am an originalist. I say we live our lives the way our Founding Fathers intended: four feet tall, crippled with rickets, until we die of old age at 28.”

And that’s just the beginning of a relentless and hilarious onslaught:

He has an answer for the Dept of Health and Human Services “baffling new mandate” of HIV screenings, breast pumps, and contraception: “A woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”

“Besides, folks, I don’t believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility do it the way God intended, with a cold, loveless marriage.”

He cites Rep. Steve King complaining that if we take contraception to its logical conclusion, “we’ve prevented a generation.”

“Exactly!” Colbert chimes in. “Americans only have children by accident. It’s clearly hard to imagine anyone having Steve King on purpose.”

The FOX News Bimbos don’t escape his notice: “Outraged Blonde FOX lady” sees the rule as an encouragement to have “unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime, anywhere.”

“If we give your daughters and granddaughters access to birth control they will instantly turn into wanton harlots with an insatiable sexual appetite. Because you know women, they’re always on the edge of nymphomaniacal orgiastic abandon. They’ll pick up the prescription, pop a pill, then bone the pharmacist, the stockboy, and then everybody in line for the bus. Why? Because the birth control was paid for by the government.”

As Colbert concludes, “we must repeal Obama care, and get back to insurance companies covering only real necessary medical expenses like boner pills. How else are we supposed to sexually satisfy the army of flesh-thirsty young sluts Obama is creating with your tax dollars.”


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