Republicans Push America Towards Holding A National Bake Sale

Aug 02 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

Now that Republicans have promised to use their successful hostage-taking style of negotiations in all future debt-ceiling discussions (McConnell on debt-ceiling hostage-taking: ‘We’ll be doing it all over’), the precedent of cuts-only deficit reduction will be hard to break.

That’s great news if you think that all tax increases are inherently evil, including closing loopholes in the current tax system. It’s not-so-great news if you like social programs, bridges that don’t collapse, and public schools.

Either way, one thing is clear: We need new ways to create revenue and reduce costs.

You’re Seceded (reality television show)

Fewer states would reduce the strain on the federal government, so some will need to go.

The only fair way to determine who should go is a reality television show–although Texas might volunteer since they’re always threatening to secede anyway. All state governors (no half-term governors from Alaska need apply) will be placed in a house in Washington, D.C., where they will compete to stay in the United States.

The loser will be kicked out of the union when host Donald Trump announces “You’re seceded!”

National Bake Sale (formerly known as Girl Scouts of America)

The Girl Scouts of America will be transformed into a for-profit (tax-exempt, of course) government agency that generates federal income through the international marketing of cookies. (We need to export something!)

Mrs. Fields is expected to be nominated as the first Secretary of Baking, but Tea Party members of the Senate have already threatened to filibuster her nomination unless all taxes on kitchen appliances are eliminated.

New cookies flavors will include “Freedom Fudge Stripes,” “God Bless America Chip,” and “Red, White, and Blue Macaroons.”

Slot Machine in Every Pot (required gambling)

Lottery proceeds have always been a good source of income, so gambling will be made mandatory.

Slot machines will replace parking meters, roulette wheels ($20 minimum) will be placed in front of all government buildings, and toll roads will require a minimum of five hands of poker ($10 ante) for passage.

Reverse Eminent Domain (aka DIY road/bridge repair)

Eminent domain is the right of the government to take private property for public use without compensating the owner.

Reverse eminent domain would be the responsibility of private property owners to maintain public property nearby. In other words, “If you can see it, then you have to fix it,” whether “it” is a road, bridge, public school, or national park.

(Note: Anyone with property value in excess of$250,000 would be exempt since unpaid work on public property could be loosely defined as a “tax.”)

11 responses so far