Bat Sh#t Hits the Fan: Bachmann Races To Erase Slavery Reference In ‘Marriage Vow’

Jul 12 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

It use to be kind of fun covering  Michele Bachmann when she was just a lowly Congresswoman with a vote to send your kid to war and how our money gets spent.

But now that she is aiming to get in a position to obtain our nuclear launch codes, the level of fun has gone from man getting hit in the crotch to getting his head blown off. Even if Bachmann hopes that the unemployed remain unemployed so as to fulfill their patriotic duty in giving Michele something other than bat sh#t to toss at President Obama, it’s totally impertinent and frivolous culture wars that this girl-next-door-to-an-insane asylum is looking to fight.

After all, the crop of Republican contenders has been relegated to a serial adulterer, a flip-flopping Mormon Macy’s Mannequin, a pizza man, a total cipher of an ex-governor who may or may nor be made of vanilla, a walking anal butt joke, and Ron Paul. So if criminally inexperienced and uniformed Bachmann wishes to remain viable to rabid tea party primary voters, she has to pull out the big guns. My apologies for using Bachmann and guns in the same sentence.

And that’s precisely what she did earlier this week when she became the first presidential candidate to sign a pledge, vowing to support a constitutional amendment that defines marriage between a man and a woman, and which calls for a ban on all pornography.

“The Marriage Vow – “A Declaration of Dependence upon Marriage and Family,” sponsored by the Family Leader, an Iowa-based conservative organization, equates same-sex marriage with bigamy and polygamy and calls on candidates to promise to be faithful to their spouses.

Perhaps a certain walking anal butt joke (Rick Santorum) didn’t sign it since it fails to include equating same-sex marriage to marrying your dog. And how could Newt Gingrich sign it when he’s too busy signing off on divorce papers.

Much like with everything with this deranged demagogue in a dress, Bachmann’s massively blind ignorance and hatred of gays got in the way of some very basic human oversight.  The document, for example, encouraged a baby boom and called homosexuality a choice (blah, blah, blah), but the most disquieting piece was its insinuation that African American babies may have somehow been better off under slavery.


“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household* than was an African American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President, according to the document”

Early Saturday, Bachmann’s spokeswoman Alice Stewart said that the she had only endorsed the 14-point “candidate vow,” which did not include the slavery passage. Politico reports that Stewart said that “in no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.” She added Bachmann “stands behind the candidate vow – which makes absolutely no reference to slavery.”

While it’s hard to say if whether this huge oversight was accidental, the language that was deliberately used is far more offensive. In fact, it sounds more akin to, ahem, Sharia Law- the dogmatic and stupefyingly oppressive form of Islamic law. Curiously enough, the pledge that Bachmann signed also calls for a ban on Sharia law (as if that’s a reality in America!) despite the fact that Sharia Law also bans pornography. But trying to explain contradictions and scholarly inaccuracies to a woman whose entire political existence has been predicated on botching every major piece of American history would be like trying to explain to Stevie Wonder that rainbows aren’t some kind of black haze.

Although those of us with fully functional cerebral cortex don’t regard Michele Bachmann as a credible candidate, polls are showing her to be neck in neck with Republican Frontrunner Mitt Romney in the Iowa Caucuses. More disconcerting, a survey released on Friday by the Democratic-leaning Public Policy Polling firm in the key swing state of Pennsylvania, a state that Obama handily won in 2008 but is now faltering in, showed Michele Bachmann was right behind Mitt Romney in the GOP race. Romney and Obama are tied at forty-four percent in a theoretical general election showdown. Obama leads the rest of the GOP field by significant margins. Of the others, Michele Bachmann provides the next closest match-up though she still trails him by a 50-43 margin.

While it is enormously difficult to imagine the democratic-leaning blue state of Pennsylvania giving the crazed, wide-eyed darling of the Tea Party their vote, the very notion of her potentially performing well there is more frightening than a scenario in the Saw horror franchise movies.

In short, the issue shouldn’t be over whether Bachmann intended to include the slavery reference  in the Marriage Vow document. Rather, why she did intend to include fringe religious lunacy that’s constitutionally irrelevant and socially backwards. 

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