Congress Legislates Women’s Health: A Revenge Tale

May 08 2011 Published by under Uncategorized

The House of Representatives (Tea Party central) has passed HR3, which is also known as the “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act.” Yes,we know, it’s redundant, but Republicans pretend they haven’t heard of the Hyde Amendment and anyway, the point of their bill, abortions in the case of rape and incest won’t be covered. Rape has been redefined as only qualifying as rape if it was “forced” (only 11 percent of rapes involve a weapon, so this is a great way of excluding most rapes). Incest is a go in this bill, because that isn’t “rape” and as you know, a lot of women “lie” about rape so we have to treat all women like criminals.

Also, the IRS is empowered to investigate your tax returns lest you ever buy coverage that might allow you the grand privilege of exercising the right to be in charge of your medical decisions. Oh, you might be thinking, but I thought abortion was legal! Well, it is legal, but it is punishable by shaming and poverty of the woman. The role of the man is not even mentioned by these so called “pro-lifers” who have chosen to bring their patriarchal version of God into your doctor’s office.

God has spoken to these representatives and only they know what He wants us to do, so never mind your constitution, it’s time for war on women and young girls, since 15 percent of rape victims are under the age of 12. So, the modern day Republican is pro-feti, but anti girls and women. Instead of defending a right that is already legal, let’s take their argument and turn it around. After all, arguments made in defense of legislation should be applicable to both genders equally, unless women are now officially a second class. I’m sure the boys (and their cheerleaders) in congress will get back to us on this pressing matter.

You will notice that the arguments presented are premised upon the notion that women will fake rape in order to get an abortion. This assumes that women are liars, that rape isn’t as prevalent as it is, and that abortions are a) a sought after pursuit and b) not a right. This is what your House of Representatives think of you, girlfriends.

I would like to offer a counter proposal. Instead of discussing how women lie about rape to get abortions, let’s discuss why anesthesia isn’t given automatically to women getting an abortion. If men had abortions, general anesthesia or some kind of sedative would be paid for and automatic. Instead, they make girls pay for an abortion after they have been raped (and then they act like women are lining up to get them for fun as if it is spa day) and often don’t offer any kind of anesthesia. If they do, it’s too costly for those who aren’t well off. Would men like to have an instrument larger than a pen stuck up their penis into their lower abdomen while wide-awake for however long it takes? I think not. Anesthesia should be a right, not a privilege. And I’m talking real anesthesia, not a numbing shot placed into a woman’s cervix while she is wide awake.

Sorry to be graphic, but this is the truth of the matter and if they are going to discuss it, they should know all about it. They should take a friend in for an abortion and hold her hand while she screams. Maybe then they would shut up about things they have no business talking about, let alone legislating.

How many of those who voted YES on this are guilty of taking advantage of a woman or girl at some point? Since 1 out 6 women have been the victim of rape or attempted rape, who is doing all of the raping? Every two minutes, a woman is sexually assaulted and 60 percent of those rapes go unreported. Since 15 out of 16 rapists will not go to jail, we know the rapists are still out there. Rapists are more likely to be serial criminals than serial rapists, which leads to the logical question, how many of them are in congress?

No, these figures aren’t intended to be scientific, or empirical—just making a point. If these men in congress are going to legislate what women can do with their bodies, legislate our medical rights, and redefine rape, then I think it’s only fair to call for a full scale, Bachmann style investigation of every man in congress who voted yes on HR 3.

We want to know, boys, are you PRO woman or ANTI woman? America needs to know. Because, you see, we women are Americans and are entitled to the same freedoms as you boys. Or, rather, you are entitled to the same degree of freedom you accord us, which is to say, not much. We demand full access to your medical records and call for an IRS investigation of any man who has ever been accused of sexual assault of any degree, sexual harassment, stalking, rape, and domestic violence.

After all, morally it would not be right for the taxpayers to be funding any medical care for someone who might be faking innocence over serious criminal allegations and we all know how many of you fake innocence – more than the women who lie about rape, that’s for sure, otherwise we’d have higher conviction rates.

As for the specious argument that they are protecting the unborn by invading women’s rights, that can only lead to one conclusion. If feti have more rights than live humans, then all men who can and might impregnate a woman (except the gay men, who for once will be on the winning end of things) will have to pony up cash to fund prenatal care, 18 years of care plus reasonable college tuition. This will be overseen by the IRS, just as you boys want the IRS to oversee women’s health.

Your pay will be docked accordingly when you start having sex. Or, you can opt for the snip and clip, but we can’t have the taxpayers funding that and we can’t allow insurance to cover it, so if you want any kind of anesthesia, you’re on your own. These are the “tough” choices responsible people who value feti must make. We can’t have the unborn unprotected, right?

Of course we will need your long form birth certificates and DNA, so that we can test each baby born in case they might be related to one of you boys in the House. We need to know, “Who’s your daddy?” You all might want to note that DNA can tell if your daughter’s baby is yours (head’s up to state representative from Georgia – you know who you are). I only mention this because a lot of men lie about committing incest and rape, and spend their time protecting rapists and demeaning women who speak out. If anyone feels like speaking out to the House, (Chris Smith (R-NJ), who sponsored this ode to patriarchy might love a note from you, if not an investigation into his past) here’s a list of who voted “yes” on the anti-woman legislation.

How do you like us now, boys? How’s that freedom thing workin’ out for ya’?

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