Meet Ben Fixe. Ben is a Liberal TV and radio host, who is the exact equivalent of a certain conservative host who used to have a show on Fox. Conservatives are upset that Glenn Beck lost his job at Fox, after all, he isn’t a hate-monger and this just proves that liberals are persecuting conservatives. Each night, Ben takes to MSNBC, where he proves that indeed, both sides do it.
On average night with Ben, we discuss how the Christofascist Nazis of the Right are working with terrorists who want to destroy us all and we examine the true beliefs of radicals like Paul Ryan and John Boehner, who are Nazis trying to transform America with a radical agenda. Ben would like to poison them and he thinks the conservatives of this nation are taking us to the slaughterhouse. Ben is super worried that blood will be in the streets any day now since the Republicans took over the House. And John Boehner and Paul Ryan will try to kill ten percent of the population.
Tonight, Ben opens his show with his standard opening, “Sieg Heil, Nazi soldiers, today I bring you good news from the western front. Our fearless Republican Governors of American swine say their country will never recover if collective bargaining isn’t killed. But Nazis, you must not listen to the foolish propaganda from the pigs who say that their Governors are simply fear-mongering. Nazi Boehner didn’t believe it did he, what were they doing when a few banks terrorized the country with bombs? We all know the situation is bad and Nazi Boehner does too.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 2/5/09]
Ben shakes his head in defeat, “You are going to see this economy come up — we’re already seeing it – – and now it’s going to start coming back down again. And when you see the effects of what they’re doing to the economy, remember these words: we will survive. We know we’ll do better than survive. We will thrive — as long as these Republicans are not in control. They are taking you to a place to be slaughtered.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 11/3/09, transcript via Nexis]
Letting the slaughter sink in, Ben stands up slowly and explains in his teacherly voice, “Liberals believe in a social safety net government. We believe in returning to the principles of our Founding Fathers. We respect them. We revere them.” Ben mimics a gun to his head to show how serious he is about taking on the opposition, “Shoot me in the head before I stop talking about the Founders. Shoot me in the head if you try to change our government.”
Ben, working his way up to tears of concern, “Paul Ryan, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, all the other lawmakers are going after the blood of our people, big and small. Who’s next? They have their fangs in the necks of everybody, and nothing’s going to quench their thirst. There’s only two ways for this movie to end: Either the economy becomes like the walking dead, or you drive a stake through the heart of the bloodsuckers.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 3/30/09]
Ben gets out of his chair and crosses to the blackboard, holding a glass of wine up to the lens, “So, Speaker Boehner, I just wanted to — you gonna drink your wine? Are you blind? Do those eyes not work? There you — I want you to drink it now. Drink it. Drink it. Drink it. … By the way, I put poison in your — no, I — I look forward to all the policy discussions that we’re supposed to have — you know, on jobs, criminalizing miscarriages, and the economy. “[Fox News, Glenn Beck, 8/6/09]
“I will stand against you Boehner and so will millions of others. We believe in something. You in the media and most Republicans in Washington don’t.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 6/9/10] Ben is tearing up now, his face glistening with sincerity. He looks right into the camera to warn, “They are putting a gun to America’s head. Pass this or we all die! Yes, they’re doing that….The fundamental transformation is coming. It is happening and John Boehner himself promised us it.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 10/9/09, transcript via Nexis]
Pulling down a map, Ben pounds on it with his pointer, screaming, “As Boehner wants to do, do we fundamentally transform America into a Nazi Kill the Workers and Old People state?! And, as we have seen in country after country after country, that is only sustainable through the barrel of a gun. America’s blood is in the water and radical Christofascist, radical Nationalists and radical pro-lifer organizers know it!” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 3/3/11]
Ben is now disgusted because liberals hate pro-lifers, so he pulls down a picture of Sarah Palin and her son and his lip curled in scorn, taunts, “Hey, Sarah Palin, we know you’re hookin’, but you’re just not cheap. “ [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 11/23/09, transcript via Nexis] Ben is really worked up now, “Speaking of Sarah Palin, her son has Downs Syndrome, didn’t you know that? He should be able to get medical care.” As he speaks, Ben makes faces to mimic Downs Syndrome, clearly mocking Palin’s son for her anti-health insurance reform stance. [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 4/2/09]
Ben stops mocking Downs Syndrome to turn on all the Palins of the Republican Party, “If Christofascist theology were true, then Jesus would have … made the Christians pay for what they did.” (From the July 15, 2010, edition of Glenn Beck.) “Republicants will sell you and your children into slavery if they pass tax cuts. Tax cuts are 9/11 all over again! It’s 9-11 all over again except we didn’t have the collapsing buildings.” (From the March 25, 2010, edition of Glenn Beck)
Ben leans into the camera, maintaining a brave face in spite of this dire news, “Now why am I telling you about this? Have you heard of another word? Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch. I do have a bulletproof car, Rupert. I just want you to know.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 6/21/10]
Undaunted by the Murdoch threat, Fixe goes on to reveal the big plan, “Republicans are coming for your land. They call it a tax cut but it’s really designed to steal your land, it’s hidden in the bill so they can get rid of the dollar. They’re turning it into the gold standard. This used to be against the constitution but the Republicants don’t care!” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 10/28/09, transcript via Nexis]
Ben crosses to his chalkboard, which is where he does his most important lessons, “I hope you understand now why I’m warning you about the Coming Insurrection of Tea Baggers and Christofascists Radicals that will implode the whole world and create new Salem witch trials! [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 1/31/11] “And you know who is the most dangerous man in America? Paul Ryan. He seems harmless, I know some Democrats who like him, but you have to decide for yourself. I’ll put the, I would if I had time, tell you what he’s done. Look out, the clock is ticking. The first reason he’s dangerous is ’cause you never see him coming. But he’s also dangerous because, besides the unlimited, unchecked power that he has…” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 9/22/10]
Drawing circles on the chalkboard, Fixe demonstrates, “The Republicans are coming for your freedoms. They’re going to use the budget deficit to steal your freedom, take away your constitutional rights, come for the money in your house, they’re going to pass rules that you can’t have food anymore. And we all know, there will be rivers of blood if we don’t have values and principles!” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 1/11/11] [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 5/14/10, transcript via Nexis] “And you know what Paul Ryan and John Boehner are going to do? They will De-Develop America, cut average income to $14K/Year with their ‘budget bill’!” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 6/29/10, transcript via Nexis]
Ben gets serious now, putting his chalk down and facing the audience sadly, “I’d say Ryan and Boehner might kill 10 Percent of population, they are more corrupt than Nixon. Please, please. Learn from history. Please. [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 5/18/10, transcript via Nexis] (June 10, 2010, edition of Glenn Beck) “Boehner is a racist, he has exposed himself as a guy with a deep-seated hatred for Jewish people. I’m not saying that he doesn’t like Jews. I’m saying he has a problem. He has a — this guy is, I believe, a racist. Look at the things he has been surrounded by. Look how he grew up in that all white Christian town surrounded by Germans. He went to Church and do you hear what his pastor said?” [Fox News, Fox & Friends, 7/28/09] “He wants a system built on reparations and a model that will settle old Christian scores through new Salem witch trials.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 7/23/09, transcript via Nexis]
Ben is so worked up now he has to take off his jacket. “This side, up and down, nationalist and fascist. Those people are crazy. This is about conservatism. And most people – they are in here. When they say they’re conservatives, they don’t think they’re headed here. But conserve, baby steps – you are moving back to something. You’re moving toward one of these.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 3/01/10, transcript via Nexis]
“This is why they called Obama a socialist, because conservatives know what is at the end of the conservative road. Whether it’s Nazis or nationalists, someone has to control your life. Someone will be at the controls… This is a war for your rights, you free agency, your free agency to choose for yourself.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 3/01/10, transcript via Nexis] “Boehner and Ryan these are economic terrorists. Ryan is a Nazi who is setting up a class system!” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 7/17/09, transcript via Nexis]
Ben tries to calm himself while explaining, “It seems to be that we’re going — I’m not saying that Boehner has an enemies list, but I wouldn’t put it past him either — that it seems like we’re repeating the Nixon administration or the beginnings of that.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 6/2/09] “Wow. Kind of sounds like Ryan is, you know, maybe he is in the Corleone Congress.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 3/26/09]
Ben’s well known for his occasional homages to the Constitution, “In America, religion is a personal decision. That’s between you and God. People don’t agree with my faith, I don’t agree with other people’s faiths, that’s OK. Is it leading you to be a better person? That’s for Speaker Boehner to decide. However, if it starts to affect the public policy, well, then we do have to examine and question. These, the last comments, are comments the vast majority of separation of church and state constitutional Americans can’t relate to….He’s from Ohio. Where the Germans emigrated. He says he was influenced by the Germans and Irish. And now we’re confused why people are confused what he is? Where did he come from?… But America is expected to be solidly convinced he’s an American?” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 8/24/10] “And his spiritual adviser is promoting the Devil’s Way.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 3/23/10, transcript via Nexis]
Ben’s brows shoot up, guessing how shocked you are to learn about Boehner’s Nazi ties. “I guarantee you what you’re going to learn tonight is going to open your eyes a little bit. For instance, are we the American taxpayers actually funding terror? Probably. Probably. Are we unwittingly contributing to the destruction of our own Constitution? Yes. You know, it’s amazing to me that we have — we’re good and decent people. And we try to — we try to be inclusive and try not to be hateful. But we’re going to be remembered not as tolerant; we’re going to be remembered as morons. We are taking our own country down. Tunisia! Radicals, Christofascists, Nationalists and Nazis are working together. There have been arrests of people who are funding terrorists or working with terrorists and they’re from the American Right.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 4/1/11]
Ben waves his arms around for emphasis as his voice raises, “Just as we said after that rabid Florida Christian preacher burned the Koran, where are all the good Christians? They were afraid. And they didn’t say anything. And that didn’t help. It made the problem worse.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 4/5/11]
“The problem here at this point is there are far too many people leading the churches that are Nationalists, Nazis or regressives whose lone goal is and always has been the destruction of separation of church and state and the Western way of life. And we’re seeing it play out over and over and over, all over the globe.” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 4/5/11]
In wake of the recent Arizona massacre during which a Republican Tea Party member of congress was shot in the head by a person who made youtube videos ranting about the rape of the environment and sometimes touched on things Ben had said in his show, though certainly no direction connection had been made, Ben was very offended by suggestions that (his) violent rhetoric might have contributed to a culture of violence. There was no smoking gun, after all.
Ben explains to his viewers that Boehner is just using this as an excuse to take away free speech and start drilling more, “It didn’t take long for conservatives to come out with their solution to the problem of the alleged violent rhetoric. The solution, however, comes despite not having a shred of evidence that this crazed gunman was motivated by anything other than his craziness. Politicians, however, are there to protect you, and they’re pushing a ban on certain symbols and words, a ban on abortion, a ban on protecting wild life, lifting the ban on drilling in ANWR!” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 1/11/11]
“The key is nationalism. One never thinks or imagines that this can happen again. No one thinks it could happen here. Well, did the Germans think that it could? Did they — did the Germans sit there at night and go, “You know, that Hitler thing — that could end in concentration camps and the liquidation of the Jews.” Did they really think that? Or did people say all along the way, “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, this isn’t going well. This isn’t — no, this isn’t — no, this isn’t us. We shouldn’t go down this way. And then they were told they were conspiracy theorists. They were told that it was wrong — that — they would even speak out. And then the beatings started. And then executions started. And then that argument just went away.” [Glenn Beck, Fox News, 9/24/10]
Now that he’s alerted you to the terrorism of the Right, and the Nazi intentions of Boehner and Ryan, Ben finishes the show with a call to high-mindedness, “Hey, I’m tired of the politics of left and right. It’s about right and wrong. We argue back and forth — ‘If you haven’t voted for the elephant, you’re just a hatemonger.’ The other side — ‘Oh, those elephants trying to turn us into Nazi Germany!’ Stop!” [Fox News, Glenn Beck, 6/29/10, transcript via Nexis]
I think we can agree with conservatives that both sides do it and poor Glenn Beck was railroaded out of his TV job at Fox, where they engage in fair and balanced news with a conservative outlook, but certainly not bias. I’m sure the Speaker and Ryan won’t mind Ben’s “jokes” about how they are trying to kill Americans and conservatives are alright with Ben telling his audience that all conservatives are the problem and the problem is leading to mass extinction of liberals unless they are willing to take a stand in the streets, which should not be misconstrued by PC rabid conservatives as a call to violence, even after several liberals went crazy and shot conservatives in their churches screaming about how conservatives are Nazis who want to drill in ANWR and need to be brought down.
Nor should conservatives have the temerity to suggest that Ben is a problem after one of Ben’s listeners packed up his car full of explosives heading for Rupert Murdoch’s office to assassinate him, or another shoots a bunch of police officers. These are coincidences and it takes a lot of hate to suggest Ben had anything to do with that. If conservatives weren’t such weak-minded people, they wouldn’t be afraid of Ben.
Or do conservatives want to kill free speech? Sieg Heil!
*Transcripts from Media Matters This is satire, based on Beck’s own words, meant to demonstrate the power of Beck’s violent rhetoric and the fact that both sides do not do this equally. I’ve reversed his claims, substituting liberal with conservative, Obama with Paul Ryan and John Boehner, as closely as possible while remaining politically relevant to current events.