Sarah Palin’s recent speech to the Safari Club International (SCI) Convention in Reno last weekend offered up some goodies that will surely easy the Egyptian uprising conflict pains for a few minutes, so I offer up these nuggets of wisdom from the Republican Clown Show for your edification that America is doing just fine, thank you very much. And you wondered why the press wasn’t allowed at Palin’s speeches! Her policy wisdom and solutions for America are top secret when they’re aren’t written on her hand.
From urging Caribou to “take one for the team” to claiming she named her children after hunting (Trig, Track, Bullet….), Palin left the “pro-America” crowd cheering. This bit of international chagrin is other wise known as stupid things Republicans do and say while waving/wearing a flag.
These pro-Americans gathered in the wake of the Arizona massacre to celebrate killing animals for fun and who better to speak for them than the reality TV show star who proved she couldn’t shoot her gun without her daddy’s help? Nothing says strong woman like, “Should I shoot now, daddy?” One must show their deference to the male leader, after all, if one is to really be an American woman.
It goes without saying that you can’t be an American without enjoying destroying the environment because what kind of wuss worries about things like the future when God is in charge? What is an endangered species after all, but God’s choice to eliminate the less productive members of our society for the sake of our own pleasure? I ask you, why preserve the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge when it’s so “barren” that it’s begging to be drilled?
Revealing this barrenness was a secret plot of Palin’s during her reality TV (this is NOT political!) show; She told the Real Americans that she, “threw a little politics” into it! Wink, wink. You know, to show us un-Ameircans how stupid it is to protect wildlife because I guess, there isn’t any more after Rambette shot up the last Caribou. Or something.
I don’t know about you, but I marvel over the primitive sexual power Palin wields over her male followers. They see themselves in her. Drill, baby, drill! Barren….Reloading…..It’s an American dream! A real man’s man but hot, too. We should refrain from examining this too much lest we out any of the Palin fans before they’re ready.
But it’s not about what you DO, it’s about what you SAY. With this crowd, you simply need to talk their walk and they’re pleased as punch. This might explain why they keep electing people who stand for nothing and know nothing. It’s the flag, stupid!
Here’s what passes for great American spirit:
Palin: “I say, ‘Mr. Caribou, maybe you need to take one for the team.'”
I am sure Mr Caribou reveres Palin’s word about as much as God appears to. Which is to say, not much if the 2008 election (which God was in charge of according to Palin) is any indication. If only those Caribou prayed more about the drilling and the fungibles of the economy for the healthcare and the jobs.
But that wasn’t the super cute part. Here we go with the adorable all-American routine—naming your kids after hunting! Oh, my. The mens are swooning now.
Palin: “Piper was named after Todd’s airplane, the Piper Cub, which gets us to the hunting grounds… Bristol, Bristol Bay fishing grounds. Willow, a local sport-fishing stream. Trig, I pull the TRIG-ger. Track… I remember when we told my dad that his grandson was named Track, he said, ‘Like TRACKing an elephant?'”
Never mind you elitist libtards that we now have on record three different reasons for Palin naming Bristol Bristol. Once it was for ESPN’s headquarters because Palin wanted to be a sportscaster. Then it was for Bristol Bay representing something personal and now it’s Bristol Bay for the hunting. Oh, and we had Bristol the Pistol during DWTS. That was super cute. Hey, you gotta change it up for your audience otherwise people might ask you a question. Keep the charm offensive going, dazzle em with we’re the same-isms and collect that big check.
Speaking of names, Sarah and Bristol Palin also applied for trademarks of their names as “brands” this week. Sadly, they filled the paperwork out incorrectly and insufficiently, so we’re left wondering just what sort of brand this is – but I am willing to bet late night infomercials are not far off. Moose-derivative facial cream for the ladies who want to be sexy while abstaining from sex perhaps? Only if it comes with a flag, friend. Might I suggest a line of flag patterned “clothing” that could be sold at Hooters the nation wide, that comes with red glitter lipstick for the pageant inclined 5 year old?
But let’s leave aside our family values for a moment and focus on the real issues. Like that evil man in the White House who might take the Arizona massacre as a sign that maybe we shouldn’t be handing guns out at WalMart. Here’s Sarah on gun control, “This recent talk coming from the White House about President Obama’s attempts to perhaps infringe further upon our Second Amendment rights. We need to keep tabs on what the White House is telling us. Just think if we had even stricter gun-control laws! Imagine, though—imagine making life even more miserable for the liberals who want that gun control. Here’s how I figure it. Remember that weird guy in Wisconsin was so angry, so upset, watching a Palin win slot after slot each week on Dancing With the Stars that he shot Bristol through his TV? He blasted his Panasonic? Well, I’m thinking, ‘Imagine more gun control. Then he’d have to attack his Panasonic with a butter knife.'”
Oh, har har! Nothing says successful plan for America like wasting your every breath trying to make life “miserable” for half of America! Well done, Ms Palin and an extra point for sensitivity. But no matter, she got the focus back on the imaginary gun grab where it belongs. It might be all she has now unless she can get that Hooters line going. All of this “American spirit” can sure wear on a Marxist. But at least my inner Socialist Nazi Muslim was given this moment of sanity:
Palin: “The (media) boycott (on her) sounds good, because there’s a lot of chaos in Cairo, and I can’t wait to not get blamed for it–at least for a month.”
Yes, because it’s ALL about Sarah Palin. Well, I for one am not going to blame her for Egypt because I’m fully aware she doesn’t support a democracy. No, no, Palin would never support the people against a regime. She is the regime. That’s what makes this pro-American stuff so painful and yet so hilarious. And her gang of vigilantes who think they are the people but are really shills for big oil and the Koch brothers—oh, it’s so American!
This wraps up today’s clown show, brought to you by the best and brightest of the GOP. Have at the tedious news of how Republicans are trying to take away our liberties and steal from us to feed their corporate kings while they walk back from redefining rape and get schooled on how they can’t repeal ObamaCares but don’t mind wasting your money for the show. Rah rah goes the flag. Good times.