The Tale of the Weepy Orangeman

Nov 08 2010 Published by under Featured News, Issues, Republican Party

The Orangeman's Two Emotions

What’s up with the weepy Orangeman in the House? You know who I’m talking about: the orange guy with wet eyes. He’s from Ohio I guess, though I haven’t asked to see his birth certificate, and maybe we should. I mean, people aren’t naturally that color, are they?

The Weepy Orangeman. Sounds like a disenchanted college football fan; or maybe a sad Irish Protestant. But no, it’s our very own All-American John Boehner whose name looks more fitting the way you’d think it’s pronounced than the way he pronounces it. And can you blame him? I mean, the guy really is a walking Boehner.

John Boehner (R) Ohio. Yep. Him.  We should get to know the weepy Orangeman better. After all, he is likely going to be the next Speaker of the House to replace Nancy Pelosi (maybe he won’t cry as much now). It will be interesting to see whether he can make himself as unpopular as she. But let’s get to the issues:

  • Women’s Reproductive Rights:  The Republican Party should maintain full control of a Woman’s body through federal legislation.
  • Budget & Economy:  Stimulus = bad. Government should not spend money! Oh, and I don’t understand any of this economy stuff.
  • Civil Rights: Gays and Lesbians have NO rights. Only heterosexuals are real people.
  • Corporations: He’s a Republican. What do you think?
  • Crime: It should be legal to beat up gays, more death penalties and fewer appeals.
  • Education: No money to schools but lots of prayer.
  • Energy and Oil: More CO2, less renewable energy and drill baby drill!
  • Environment: What environment? (Rated 5% by the LCV, indicating anti-environment votes. (Dec 2003)).
  • Families & Children: This says it all: Rated 91% by the Christian Coalition: a pro-family voting record. (Dec 2003). See any correlation between this and his environmental record? I think you smell what I’m cooking.
  • Foreign Policy:  Doesn’t like democracy for Pakistan, likes nukes in India.
  • Free Trade: Screw you slackers who lost your jobs to globalization. Hates the WTO.
  • Government Reform: Government is too big and too intrusive except when it comes to women’s bodies in which case it can’t be intrusive enough. What goes on in a woman’s body is tantamount to a national security crisis. Government spends too much money. We told you he was a Republican.
  • Gun Control: Sigh. We told you he was a Republican, right? (Rated A by the NRA, indicating a pro-gun rights voting record. (Dec 2003)). Ya happy?
  • Health Care: Tobacco is NOT a drug, children don’t need more insurance and more kids don’t need insurance, and oh by the way, the government is too intrusive but like with women’s bodies we’re afraid we’re going to have to regulate suicides by saying, NO. Picking up a trend here?
  • Homeland Security: Not more federal regulation! Say it ain’t so, Orangeman! (Voted YES on federalizing rules for driver licenses to hinder terrorists. (Feb 2005). I thought we wanted the Feds out of our lives? What’s going on? And more defense spending? What about budget cuts, government spending and all that?
  • Immigration: Build Great Wall of USA and English as official language. Gotta wonder how we’re going to pay for that wall if the federal government shouldn’t spend money and we can’t raise taxes…Oh that’s right, Johnny Boy doesn’t understand economics (See Budget & Economy above).
  • Jobs: You don’t need a higher minimum wage; you think I’m really going to turn on my corporate masters? We did mention the Republican thing, right?
  • First Amendment: What First Amendment? (Rated 0% by the AU, indicating opposition to church-state separation. (Dec 2006)).
  • Social Security: Okay, his is really getting old. Hello! Republican! (Rated 0% by the ARA, indicating an anti-senior voting record. (Dec 2003))
  • Taxes: Rich people good, poor people bad (Limit welfare to 2 years & cut welfare spending. (Sep 1994). Anti-tax. How you going to pay for that increased defense spending, Orangeman?
  • Net Neutrality: Remember: Republican=Corporate (Voted NO on establishing “network neutrality” (non-tiered Internet). (Jun 2006)

So what do you think of our weepy Orangeman now? Yeah, he’s a Republican. He hates…well, pretty much everything. He favors lists of don’ts over lists of do’s, which is very Catholic of him, I suppose.

Obviously, given that we live in a modern liberal democracy founded on the principles of the European Enlightenment, there are some concerns with Boehner’s very old-fashioned, shall we say…conservative…positions. One might say ULTRA conservative.

Women and minorities have a right to be concerned, as should any who are concerned with world peace and international cooperation. What’s truly frightening is that Congress controls the purse strings and our probable future Speaker of the House has no grasp of economics. The idea that the government should not spend, that taxes are bad, do not jibe well with all the spending projects (Great Walls, huge militaries, wars, etc that Republicans traditionally embrace). This is, of course, why with Boehner’s economic plan we end up $3+ trillion in debt.

We should be very thankful that Democrats retain control of the Senate and that President Obama retains a veto and that Republicans lack enough seats to override that veto. The Republicans drove the car into the ditch once before and we all know they will try to do so again. It’s in their nature, after all. Fortunately, we still have one hand on the steering wheel ourselves and there is some small hope that further disaster can be averted, despite the Weepy Orangeman’s best efforts.

In the end, John Boehner is happy again, but America should not share his joy. Of course it could be worse. Michelle Bachman could always be Speaker of the House.

Yeah, you hear me.

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