Fear of a Beck Planet: Imagine a Black Glenn Beck

Oct 04 2010 Published by under Featured News, Republican Party

Imagine if Glenn Beck were an African American Woman

Welcome to another world, where Fox News hires an African American female, Glenda Beck, to spend an hour talking about her paranoid fantasies on the air. Lots of nut jobs go crazy and a few even kill people, claiming to have been inspired by Glenda, but Fox and indeed, the US law enforcement, stand by Glenda’s right to free speech. Naturally.

No one dares to say a thing to Glenda about her violent rhetoric, lest they step on her free speech toes. No one ever whispers about Glenda’s anger because her dark skin protects her from such assumptions and prejudices. No one ever says Glenda hates the first white President or white people in general because clever Glenda accused the white president of hating black people, and so now all of the whites in the country are on the defensive. They have to prove it’s not them. This, of course, is not racism just because the white people are always on the defensive against the black people.

Glenda whispers such things about the first white president and his administration:

“I can’t debunk the idea that our federal government, through FEMA, is operating concentration camps in Wyoming, ” she cries sadly, glycerin running down her cheeks. She tells the white people they’ve been tricked by the first white president. He is actually the devil, because one third of all white men is the devil, and he has the mark. The mark of the beast. “The beast is coming for your children,” Glenda cries on her special Friday shows.

When other African Americans band together in “We Hate White People” groups wearing the long black robes long associated with their historical lynching of white people and carrying armed rifles along with signs about how white people should die, our police and entire culture defend their right to free speech. No one says it makes them “nervous” when armed, angry black people gather. It is their right, after all. The police don’t arrest anyone. No one is questioned or harassed.

Even when a few “bad apples” go off and kill a few innocent people, spouting Glenda’s paranoia, no one ever thinks Glenda is at fault. To even suggest such a thing is akin to calling someone a Nazi, and only Glenda can do that. If you call her a Nazi, you are clearly a drama queen. How dare you.

No one ever calls her a FemiNazi or an angry black woman. No one ever makes slurs about the ghetto or the city or the hood, because Glenda is in the right. She is entitled to speak her mind. She is, after all, an American citizen! And her people have been running this country since it started. Hello.

Glena looks down her perfectly carved nose at the first white president, who seems to think he can do this job as if he were black. Glenda’s grandparents owned white people, and Glenda knows that white people aren’t capable of running the country. They look like they descended from a stupid jungle animal. Glenda often referred to white people as animals, and called the first white president’s wife a jungle animal. She didn’t have to say anything more, her followers knew that the wife and husband did not belong in the white house. They were usurpers who would ruin this country. She often ends her show with the question, “President White Monkey, why don’t you just throw gasoline on us all?” while shaking her head, the moral outrage clear. She is too good to physically attack the man, but obviously, some good patriot might need to.

And Fox stands by Glenda. After all, they are a network of African Americans who also hate white people and secretly fear that those white crackers will infiltrate their cities with their bland food and stupid music and after all, Fox feels resentful of the large amount of federal taxes they pay to those welfare states full of lazy white people who won’t get off their butts and go to work. Yes, sirree. Fox was using Glenda to tell those lazy trailer trashers to get to work. They weren’t going to suck this network dry.

And maybe if they cracked their bibles every once in a while or sang a gospel song the right way, none of this would have happened – but no. Fox couldn’t stand the way they pretended to be Christians when everyone knew white people were not really Christians. Just look at baby Jesus. Everyone knows he is black. The white people were doing some kind of pretend Christianity. Thank god Fox had Glenda to let the country know that those white people can’t not be trusted and should not be believed.

Glenda also let them know that their first white president wanted to take away their assault weapons, even though this wasn’t true. This of course made the angry black people riot in the street with their assault rifles and no one ever thought to suggest that it made others uncomfortable to see a bunch of angry black people with armed assault rifles and don’t tread on me t-shirts raging in the streets and accusing the president of being a Nazi hell bent on ruining the country while they screamed about watering the tree of liberty with blood. Everyone was fine with this. It was their right, after all.

Glenda screamed at her viewers with tears of liberty and justice running down her perfectly American face, “You need to become violent!” Glenda shouted to her angry, armed black followers that the first white president was “poking and prodding” the “crazy black people” (whom Glenda had conveniently accused him of hating). Who was that white upstart in the White House to call them crazy? Didn’t he know who ran this country? The largely illiterate crowd was pretty easy to rile up. It pleased Glenda. Plus, it paid. Lots.

And Fox stood behind Glenda. She had a right to speak, you know, Fox said with pursed lips.

And if any of the white people protested over the armed and robed revivals, Glenda would point her entitled finger and call out, “Witch!” at which point the entire culture would attack said white person. Questions could always be asked later.

As the white people and any black people who did not hate the white president (according to Glenda, if you didn’t hate the white president and know he was taking away your freedoms then you weren’t a real citizen and should be locked up in one of those internment camps) stirred nervously throughout the country over Glenda’s increasingly accusatory and inflammatory rhetoric, Glenda hid behind her gated community and her secret addiction to Xanax, also known as the black person’s crack.

Although the government sanctioned and way hipper version, of course. No one was going to jail for doing Xanax. It wouldn’t matter if the world found out. No one would ever call Glenda a drug addict even though she was one. She was the good kind of drug addict. The black kind. The city kind. Not one of those dirty white people in the streets selling illegal crack to kids in school. She would cry and say she had an addiction and they would rally around to give her a second and third chance. After all, she was “recovered” and a Christian. Who were they?

Nothing but angry white people. And who listened to them. One word out of them and Glenda would have them thrown in jail. You know how those white people are.

Yes, God spoke to Glenda and Fox listened. The white people bitched and moaned under their breath about things not being fair, but Glenda always silenced that with a smug accusation of reverse racism and a nod to the suspicious character of the first white president. The nation was scared for the first white president, so that usually shut them up. They thought things were a changin’, but Glenda knew better.

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