Sarah Palin stands on her makeshift Presidential platform, ready to “address the nation” or, as she does it, speak without allowing anyone to record her or take pictures except for her chosen photographer. It’s hard to feel Presidential in the back aisle of a Costco, but ever since the Turkey debacle, when Palin’s dreams of usurping Obama really took a beating, she is determined to get it right. THIS backdrop is bright, ferocious red. Pitbull red. Nationalist red. It’s perfect.
Her tired entourage (“team”) stand to the side with anxious expressions. They know the mirage could evaporate at any second. It’s always a close one with Palin. This morning she had a melt-down, rubbing all of her make up off and refusing to speak, but it’s all better now. She had another Starbucks and someone had finally managed to get her to eat. Plus, she’s in a super short skirt and she knows she’s hot. That makes her feel better every time.
Palin tosses her much worked upon hair back and the team knows she’s on. She begins to speak.
Sarah Palin: Oh, July 4 has always meant country, independence and freedom to us all in this great nation, also — but now we have another national holiday just vying again, there, for our attention, something the troops there fightin’ for and the lame stream media gettin’ it wrong again, as I said, quittin’ to progress Alaska. As always, just waitin’ for God to say, hey, there, Sarah, you’re too good to work for a measly 200,000 dollars a year and again, why not when God loves me more, there show it and progress to the White House where I’ve been so mantled should I be so blessed by those great American voters in the Real Merika there.
Things are going well so far, she doesn’t make any sense, but she never does. Her team have resigned themselves to the fact that this will be a short-term gig, they know she can’t hold on forever, but as long as she’s making the big cash, they’ll stand by her. Her smile is plastered on her face and her hair is looking real good.
So, again, having there quit that job so I could keep my Trust Fund open and also, on a bright sunny day when God was kissing the puffy angelic clouds of Wasilla and spelling my name in the sky like He always does to send me the message that I am meant to be rich, I sighed and looked at my youngest child knowing there again, I made the right decision because I am again, the Holier Mother of the Universe and certainly, God thinks so as He tells me, “Sarah, you just kick down that door to the White House! That black guy doesn’t belong in your seat!” And I tell God that I can’t stand the way Michelle Obama dresses — so tacky, never wearing a huge cross to show she loves God or a big piece of country flair like I do, of course, being there a person who again was sleeping with a secessionist, I had to maybe show that no, you can play stump the candidate, but I will still again be for the reform so desperately needed and also, the jobs in the health care bill, you betcha’.
I left you all on that awful day when I had again not only lost the Presidency
Oopsie, the cracks are starting to show now, a quick intake of breath as the team wonders if she will take a wrong turn.
on some bull sh*t fluke and you will pay for not picking me America! But now, too, forced out of my job here in the land that I love but will never be back to because the people hate the assin@ne political operatives who destroyed me and my family, a mama grizzly says NO! And bites the heads off of those who maybe try to run for President and win. Plus they tried to take away my “legal defense fund” which is money for anything but who cares, God said I deserved it and did I tell you about Track there fightin’ for my freedom to tell you anything I want and not be called out on it?
Oh, good god. That was close. Things are looking up, though, as she has that smug certain look back on her face. Gone is the evil librarian.
It’s been a rough year for me, but I am rich now like God wanted and while I may have lost a lot of my hair, this is what the wigs and stuff were made for and plus, now that I am a liberal elite I know the best wig makers in Hollywood and so I can look like Ivana Trump, my idol. Oh, and let’s not forget Tammy Faye Baker, my fashion hero. Heroess. Remember when the paper wrote me up? Oh my gosh, I knew then that picture shouldn’t have been of Ivana but of me. I was the special one. I was the glamorous one! I was the ENTITLED ONE! (speaking through gritted teeth now).
Ut-oh……Her eyeballs are twitching and the team knows what that means. She’s going Nurse Rachet. They cast desperate glances at one another, their nervous fingers subconsciously clenching as they picture the new car they just bought. Someone please stop her!
Who’s the winner now, huh? Who’s paying now? I’m the one of Fox News when those bast@rds at the local Wasilla station wouldn’t even give me a job on camera! I’m the one everyone pays to stand near now. I’m the one, Frank Murkowski!, who everyone wants for President! Andree McLeod and you other Democratic operatives of Obama’s!
Happy July 3, my fellow Americans and you had better vote for me next time or I will have the Department of Law hunt you down and you will pay! (heaving breath, fast pace, she might crack with bitterness).
The team are all holding their breath now. Biting lips, clinging to their Blackberry’s. If she messes up, they are all out of a job. Pull it together, Sarah!
Also, too, ya’ know the lame stream media tried to make me look bad, but guess what? Dead fish don’t swim upstream God!
My Great Fowl speech, when I quit in front of my poisoned lake, was God’s destiny. It’s all a lie! Listen to me. You can’t believe anyone, not even CNN, that liberal lsm! And Katie Couric! it’s not all about YOU, Katie! (smirking, but her crowd loves this). But I do have a new book coming out, where again, you can read the truth there about my life a simple hunter in Alaska, with the entrails and stuff from my daddy but you can trust me around your kids, even if a judge says my sister can’t.
Heads snap as Palin mentions the Judge who warned her not to abuse her sister’s children. This is OFF limits. She’s been told never to bring this up. The team scans the crowd, but the crowd loves this. The angrier Palin gets, the more the crowd loves her.
Sure, there are those who would criticize and say I shouldn’t have quit, but again, I did not quit, I did what God said was best for AL-AYSKA! (Crowd is cheering. It makes no sense, but they love her.) You have probably heard (tilts head and looks so amused with herself you almost like her) about how some people are saying I quit my job! (mocking sneer). Does it look like I quit my job? (shakes head no).
No, that’s just some people talkin’ but here I am, progressing this great country and not lettin’ the liberals and the tiny Hollywood actresses win! We will kill everything because how else are we gonna get to the End Days? (checks palm sarcastically for notes, crowd goes mad) With a great respect for the turkeys. Also.
They thought they wouldn’t have me to kick around anymore! But they had no idea I would make a huge bundle of cash grifting off the uneducated and posting lies from my Fraudbook Page! No one knows how to play this game like me. Just you wait America! I’m gettin’ into that White House if it’s the last thing I do and I don’t care who or what I hurt to get there! I promised our pals there at the AIP that I would make sure God got his way, plus for the guns. And the troops!
The team is concerned, this is off message, but the crowd may not even understand English. They love her. They are giving her a standing ovation. The team sighs, It’s almost over. They might make it.
And if any of you political operatives out there think you are going to make me sit down and shut up, well, you are wrong! I am standin’ up against Big Government (I was for it before I was against it!) and the Bridge, too, and the fungilbes that Obama, call me! We can help you, if you don’t have too much pride to ask, MISTER.
She did it. Thank god. Another paycheck is coming in. Only one more second to get through.
Serving my country there with a great appreciation for the small towns where they just have the real values and such and the bowling, too. God Bless Me! Remember, God told me quittin’ don’t mean quittin’ when I do it!
Sarah’s team sigh with relief. It looks like no matter what she says, these people will love her. She is one of them. She speaks for the anger in their hearts, so the rules are different for her. The team notes that they need to remember this. Sarah Palin is fools gold. Who would have ever thought one year ago that quitting her job could be turned into a bonus for her resume as the Republican Presidential contender in 2012? The times they are a changin’.
Palin gives the crowd one last smirk, it’s crack for their betrayed beliefs, and they cheer wildly for her. She waves her carefully practiced Ronnie wave and makes sure they can see her thighs as she strides off the stage, the patent leather of her red shoes reflecting the lights she was meant to be in.
Happy July 3, America. It’s our new national holiday, where we celebrate that great American spirit of Quitting. It’s Palin Quittin’ Day. Another day, another dollar on the Palin Hate Talk Express. You thought you were rid of her, but she won’t go away. She’s going to ride that Poujadist Pride all the way to the Primaries.
Buckle Up, America.